it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
