I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
