ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
