it glows. i had to have it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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