I'm sorry my penis didn't work
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
