so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
