I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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