God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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