If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
