Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
As shirtless as possible
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Terrible idea I love it
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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