There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
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