erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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