I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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