so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
They took my balls.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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