Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
