How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
