Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
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I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
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It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?