last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
