tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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