Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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