Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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