If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
