Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
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Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
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He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize