Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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