Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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