What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
