i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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