***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
