definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
