Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I had to cum in my sink.
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