I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
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well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
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If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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