i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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