All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
