I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
