And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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