Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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