question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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