$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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