I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
