I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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