I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
