i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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