I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
