11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
