You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
