Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
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I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
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direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
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