Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
