my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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