I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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