you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
