Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
