I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
