On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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