My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Randomize
