i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
