I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
