Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
