Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
a search helicopter?!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
