I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
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Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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